I wish I was sitting here writing this because there’s been a great breakthrough, and my son has seen the Truth and returned to the Lord. Sadly, I cannot write that...yet. I still believe the promise that God showed me 3 years ago in Jeremiah 31:16-17. I still believe that “...He who promised is faithful.” Hebrews10:23. I still believe that God is a God of miracles, second chances, and the One who leaves the 99 to look for the 1. None of that has changed for me. But do I see it in the natural? No. Do I sense a change coming? No, not really, not today anyway. What I see is disturbing and depressing. My son hasn’t followed me on any social media for quite sometime, years now maybe. He sees no encouraging scripture or positive posts from me. While I do follow him on Instagram and Twitter, I scroll slowly so if I see his name I can speed past for fear of seeing something disturbing and even inappropriate. When I do see posts, I wonder who that is. If anyone else on my friends list posted things like that they would be unfriended. I wouldn’t choose to socialize with anyone who posts such things and has such opposite beliefs. How can this be the person that I gave birth to? What alien has abducted my son? When will they bring him back? Will he ever be the son I once knew, or thought I knew? All of these thoughts go through my head, not on a regular basis like they once did, but I do have them from time to time. They usually come after there has been some trigger such as seeing something inappropriate, not hearing from him for a while, or even having a conversation with him. The latest trigger? I called to talk to him. My husband and I called all of our children last week because we hadn’t actually talked to them in a while. We text, but we hadn’t heard their voices. Most of them were busy and only had a few moments for us. Such is life. But the conversation with my son seemed forced and uncomfortable. He sounded tired. He said he had been sick. He’s always either sick or tired it seems. I wish he’d get sick and tired of the right things! He wasn’t rude, but I could just tell that he didn’t really want to talk, which hurt my feelings. When we hung up, I cried. That’s all it takes now for me to have a few sad days, a simple phone call gone wrong. I shouldn’t let it hurt my feelings, but it does. It just hurts. He’s becoming more and more distant. He never calls or texts first. He never even calls when he wants something. He’s become very distant, something I thought would never happen. If you had asked me 3-1/2 years ago if my son would ever not want to talk to his mama I would have thought you crazy. But here it is. If I didn’t call or text, I honestly don’t know how long he’d go without contacting me. I probably don’t want to know.
So on a brighter note, or maybe not, he is coming home today for an extended family member’s event. Did he tell me he was coming? No, his sister told me. She also told me that while he’ll be here this afternoon, he won’t stay long and will stay with friends in a neighboring town tonight. Did I let that hurt my feelings too? I did. I’m not sure how I can guard against hurt feelings like that, but I do try. While his visit here will be brief, I’ll make the most of it. There won’t be harsh words or any unpleasantries. I don’t preach or condemn. Nothing controversial will be said. No deep conversations will be had. It will be an institutional-type visit where pleasantries are exchanged, and no feelings are discussed. When he leaves, I’ll feel sad and empty. I’ll probably cry again at some point. He’ll go his merry way, see friends, party on.
At the end of the day, I’ll still believe God’s Word is true. I’ll still wait until God sees fit to intervene or just lets my son run his course of sin until he’s run dry. I’ll wait on God’s direction before I say or do anything regarding helping my son. There’s nothing more a parent wants to do than to make everything okay for their children. I could go down the road of what all I could’ve and should’ve done, but that’s not helpful and can’t be changed. I can only go forward and act as God leads.
So I’ll wait. And I’ll pray. And I’ll continue to believe God’s promise to me. Whether I see it or feel it or not.
Update: When I checked my email after writing this, this was my verse of the day.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. — 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Thank you, God, for Your faithfulness!
So on a brighter note, or maybe not, he is coming home today for an extended family member’s event. Did he tell me he was coming? No, his sister told me. She also told me that while he’ll be here this afternoon, he won’t stay long and will stay with friends in a neighboring town tonight. Did I let that hurt my feelings too? I did. I’m not sure how I can guard against hurt feelings like that, but I do try. While his visit here will be brief, I’ll make the most of it. There won’t be harsh words or any unpleasantries. I don’t preach or condemn. Nothing controversial will be said. No deep conversations will be had. It will be an institutional-type visit where pleasantries are exchanged, and no feelings are discussed. When he leaves, I’ll feel sad and empty. I’ll probably cry again at some point. He’ll go his merry way, see friends, party on.
At the end of the day, I’ll still believe God’s Word is true. I’ll still wait until God sees fit to intervene or just lets my son run his course of sin until he’s run dry. I’ll wait on God’s direction before I say or do anything regarding helping my son. There’s nothing more a parent wants to do than to make everything okay for their children. I could go down the road of what all I could’ve and should’ve done, but that’s not helpful and can’t be changed. I can only go forward and act as God leads.
So I’ll wait. And I’ll pray. And I’ll continue to believe God’s promise to me. Whether I see it or feel it or not.
Update: When I checked my email after writing this, this was my verse of the day.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. — 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Thank you, God, for Your faithfulness!